When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
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Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
🤝
I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Sorry I can’t carpool to work. That’s the 20 minutes I use to angry scream.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
me when somebody idk start touching me
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss