When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
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I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Become a minion. Get that bread.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!
Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.
Me: Dammit.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor