Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You were the hot single in your area the whole time.

My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!

Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you

Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?

Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.

I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.

-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.

Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”

I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.

There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.

He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!

Alright…who left me unsupervised again?

Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”

In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.

Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”

*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.

I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …

Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.

Mob Boss: Who do they got?

Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.

Both: Oh shit.

Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.

detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out

[ducks under the police tape]

detective: and get these ducks outta here

Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry

My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s

Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders

i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”

I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.

I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can

This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.

Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*

DC: Which room will you be working out in?

Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.

Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.

friend: this has been the worst day of my life

me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR

Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.

Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*

Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.

McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.