Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂

‘I know a black person’

– White people

My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.

Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.

He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.

I sat back and watched it all unfold.

Unpopular opinion

The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.

Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes

Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.

tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices

Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.

ME: my stomach hurts

STOMACH: you ate too much

ME: maybe I need something to settle it down

STOMACH: no

ME: but what?

STOMACH: nothing

ME: maybe something carbonated

STOMACH: pepto bismol

ME: yes a beer

Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”

Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*

Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.

Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia

I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies

me: what are you doing

lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat

prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]

lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail

I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.

Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.

Her: do we have an LED lightbulb

Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep

I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.

I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.

Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.

Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.

Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.

The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.

COP: pull over

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

[on a date]

Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?

Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:

I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.

What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.

[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now

*At the couch store

“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”