When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
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Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up
please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk