Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace

Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”

90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.

My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”

When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.

[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?

How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-

7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.

Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it

Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.

Well done the UK. Well done.

My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.

ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut

Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*

Spider:

Me:

Spider:

Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?

You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.

I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….

Hahahaha just kidding

I look great naked

Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.

hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day

Dear teenage kids of mine,

When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.

So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!

[Planning Rustic Vacation]

Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?

Her: What’s the difference?

M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.

H: I meant in price.

if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.

[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean

“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”

Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”

Me: “Nope.”

Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”

They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.

Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.

There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.

Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender

Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.