When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
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First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.