When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
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most whales are bigger than a strawberry
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Something Saturday.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
No flush
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
You don’t even know
Not now. I’m deglazing.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on