When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
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Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
#parenting
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
pressed play on ‘moana’ on disney plus and they hit me with a trailer for ‘moana 2.’ pissin me off. now i know moana doesn’t die in ‘moana’