Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san

daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?

mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd

I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing

me: my night terrors are getting worse

therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?

[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]

m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing

The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.

Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed

I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.

Life is hard.

The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.

[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people

*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.

If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.

Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE

Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is

Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i

Other Titanic lookout: hmmm

I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew

Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.

Friend: Why are you like this?

Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.

I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

roses are red
i fall when i skate

I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear

So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.

cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”

friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get

me: what do you mean

[2 hard lemonades later]

me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it

Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.

Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.

Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…

Me: what a great place to bury a body!

Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.

How to find out if you old.

(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.

“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich

Herpes is trending, good job people

When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.