When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
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Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
roses are red
i fall when i skate
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
murder on the timeline
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.