Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”

If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.

I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome

[god creating jellyfish]

how bout an evil bag

Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience

Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.

Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.

How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat

BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what

white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone

HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE

Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another

This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.

Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.

My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.

My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.

I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.

if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”

marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does

Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant

Six months into the marriage Cinderella began finding stray glass slippers.

Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next

There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right

I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops

[1st date]

HER: So do you have any hobbies?

SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor

HER: What?!

HIM: Just ventriloquism

I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.

I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.

this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now

What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.

“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working

If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.

It’s science.

I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?