When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
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Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
🎵 I can’t wait to
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”