when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
You Might Also Like
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
thoughts?
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi