Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car

my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me

babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu

Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.

My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.

ME: do u like smart guys

GIRL AT BAR: yes

ME: sorry i wasted your time

Me: Netflix and chill?

Her: sure

Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password

Her:

Me: and don’t forget the condoms!

I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.

Dream inside a dream
 – inception

Inn inside an inn
 – innception

Re: Re:
 – reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
 – email from your gran

Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:

My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.

Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.

took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’

Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired

Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]

Hipster: I’ll take 4

[i get back from the supermarket]

wife: did you forget about dre

me: nope

wife: did you remember the alamo

me: yep

wife: did you get the eggs

me: goddammit

Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts

*puts cutlery down*

Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack

Do men still open car doors?

That 👊

My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.

What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.

Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.

girl: i’m way into philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher

Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive

Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?

Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…

i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul

The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib

My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.