when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
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I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
“Here’s where you’ll be working… You can look at your phone as much as you like, pet bunny rabbits, and there’s a free McFlurry machine over there. Oh, and you’ll be working alongside Diane, who’s an insane, poisonous harpy who will try to destroy your mind for no real reason.”
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?