when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
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Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.