@nachosarah

when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak

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@notfaizzy

Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.

Cat: *meow*

@AlanFelyk

You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.

@thepunningman

CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight

@Megatronic13

Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing

Me: ok

T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.

there are so many of them & they are getting closer

uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos

Me: NO

@Love_bug1016

you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.

@AbbyHasIssues

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.

@UncleDuke1969

“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”

@WilliamAder

I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.

@rebrafsim

[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct

@dafloydsta

Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.