when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak

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Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.

Cat: *meow*


You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.


CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight


Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing

Me: ok

T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.

there are so many of them & they are getting closer

uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos

Me: NO


you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.


I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.


“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”


I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.


Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct


Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.