When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
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Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Love it! 👍😂
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo