Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”

dracula: you gotta stop

me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad

Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.

Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.

Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.

Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children

Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids

One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous

These are my roll models.

*driving home*

Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.

Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything

“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*

Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?

Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY

In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.

Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.

I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.

How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?

WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work

ME: Ok

[later]

ME: You wanted to see me?

BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor

It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display

still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.

My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.

Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.

“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”

You thought wrong.

I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?

if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked

i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know

I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit

My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”

Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.

please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume

Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”

I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.

Especially if you don’t know them.