When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
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People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?