Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts

Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.

kid: 5 more minutes

dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime

Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.

Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.

Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away

I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.

All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself

My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.

awesome draft from months ago i just found

Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉

Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry

It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing

Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.

Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.

I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry

*first day as Robin Hood

“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”

Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat

no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”

Blacksmith *shoes a horse*

Swordsmith *forges a blade*

Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*

When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely

I went to collect my dracula costume, ready for Halloween. They handed me a Manchester United shirt instead.

I explained, “Sorry, you must have misheard me, I wanted to dress as a COUNT!” 🧛🏻‍♂️

Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.

wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll

WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.

yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine

I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar

Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.

I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.