When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
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[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Only short people can save us
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
I got a job as a bullet
They fired me immediately