When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
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I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
My kitchen overserved me.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
It’s Mental Health Day today.
– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.