When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
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Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Priorities
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”