Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…

I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.

North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.

my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship

Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.

me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see

“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.

Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.

I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…

-I popped the question

Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.

I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.

Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem

(pouring whiskey)

Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?

Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.

Wife:

Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.

Me: Good night Moon

Moon:

Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!

My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.

Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?

BLEACH I MIGHT BE

You: Where’s Carl?

Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind

You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?

Me: Funny you should ask

My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.

*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*

me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.

I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago

Don’t get angry…

…get pizza.

They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.

Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?

Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

My 7yo, “rich people have a lot of money and we don’t have that much, so we are normal people.” Idk, I’m still stuck on “we” because she has zero money.