Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.

Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.

I’d love this before and after shot…lol

stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos

I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.

*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*

[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy

Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them

Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.

i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know

My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.

can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week

With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.

*notices it’s not even 8am*

*been tweeting like a boss…*

*…to 5 insomniacs*

*during sex*

Him: come on baby, moan for me….

Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?

My summer body has been pending for about ten years

I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.

As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad

Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.

If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this

My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.

Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!

– RL partying sounds so violent

Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.

All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.

Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.

Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?

Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines

Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.

Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man

it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy