When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
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Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Cardio Made Easy
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.