When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
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Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Get in loser, we’re going overthinking
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
this has to be peak English
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]