(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
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when unicorns get really drunk
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*