(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
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Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
So I ate some gummy bears.
Turns out they were my sisters “Happy” bears with 15mg each.
I ate exactly 37…
Breaking news:
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”