(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
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I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this