(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
You Might Also Like
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of