(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
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My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
me linking you to my twitter