(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
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me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
How to cook crack and clean a crab.
Step 1 – use commas
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo