When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
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Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.