I suck at video games. I mess up the character’s life like I have my own. I played Mario today and he ended up $60K in debt and had 4 DUIs.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
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THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
– Designed to stop people
– Can be opened by people
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Coworker: What’s so funny
Cw: Oh! I’m on there, what’s your @
M: I meant twizzlers..
Cw: You’re looking at your phone.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
[even smaller panties underneath]
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no