@trevso_electric

When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.

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@TeeJayRush

Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…

@okaishawty

I worked at forever 21 as a cashier and i guess the customer i rang up was an ig baddie because a few people recognized her but I didn’t and when I checked her out she was like “this line is so long do you know who i am” and I said “no sorry” and then her card declined for $1.35

@PetrickSara

*stirs coffee with knife*

*licks knife*

“Let’s do this”

*wakes kids for school*

@SadPeruna

Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:

1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?

@MarieLoerzel

I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.

@briangaar

The cashier at the grocery store just gave me an “I’m cooler than you” look. Dude I will fight you with this baby strapped to me

@RidiculousSheri

I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.

@rockymomax

[in bed]

HER: talk dirty to me

ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway

HER: I meant-

ME: I use a rat as a loofa

@RobertJrDowney

Who’s idea was it to package scissors in a package what requires scissors to open.

@weinerdog4life

In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!