Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
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I worked at forever 21 as a cashier and i guess the customer i rang up was an ig baddie because a few people recognized her but I didn’t and when I checked her out she was like “this line is so long do you know who i am” and I said “no sorry” and then her card declined for $1.35
*stirs coffee with knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
The cashier at the grocery store just gave me an “I’m cooler than you” look. Dude I will fight you with this baby strapped to me
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Who’s idea was it to package scissors in a package what requires scissors to open.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!