@trevso_electric

When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.

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@aaronnemo

I suck at video games. I mess up the character’s life like I have my own. I played Mario today and he ended up $60K in debt and had 4 DUIs.

@bornmiserable

THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW

@TheClifBob

Doors
– Designed to stop people
– Can be opened by people

@writersdream

Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.

@QwertyJones3

This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!

@GeauxSaints79

Coworker: What’s so funny

M: Twitter

Cw: Oh! I’m on there, what’s your @

M: I meant twizzlers..

Cw: You’re looking at your phone.

M:…

@DothTheDoth

Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.

@ShutUpThatsWho

[1st night w/Russian bride]

“take yr panties off”

[smaller panties underneath]

“them too”

[even smaller panties underneath]

“damnit…”

@ArfMeasures

Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?

Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?

@flashember

WAITER: Ready to order?

GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!

W: We cannot

GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH

W: Again no