when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
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My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?