when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
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Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Schrödinger’s cookie
The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
realest tweet ever.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.