when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
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Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.