when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
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I’m 36 years old and I still look for someone older than me when an adult is needed
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
The woke left? Without saying goodbye?
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”
8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.