Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.

Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want

Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though

Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN

Me and kid:

I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.

Did we do it, did we save the daylight

never ask a starfish for directions

I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?

My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”

Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.

This could have been an email.

— me, while attending a wedding ceremony

I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.

[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new

Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.

Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?

Me: K.

WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know

Her: She’s a ten but she-

Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?

Autocarrot sucks!

Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.

The nerve of some health experts.

*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky

I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.

[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS

I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.

“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”

“MORE BERRIES!”

If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go

“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”

Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?

Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.

Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.

See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?

We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.

Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.

[First day as a private investigator]

*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound

*Gets murdered

Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people

Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave