When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
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And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
WTF
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”