When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
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When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
“Would you like a bag?” “Well yes obviously or else how else am I going to carry it” in a bag you brought from home like 50% of the other customers do hun 🙂
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Me: *buying bug spray* Is this good for ants?
Clerk: No. It kills them.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window
Wait i haven’t finished my old year yet can I get a to-go box