When I hear the noises of the house settling, I wonder what kind of owner it really wanted.
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me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Managing expectations
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Single worst piece of software ever invented
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?