When I hear the noises of the house settling, I wonder what kind of owner it really wanted.
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Fixed this for Shakespeare
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Seems legit.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Employees must applaud the planets.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.