When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
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I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”