When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
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The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
sorry i didn’t text back i was on tiktok watching a movie in 137 separate parts
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*