When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
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My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me