Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.

Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?

Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach

Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.

ex: i wish you well

me: i hope you fall into one

Gravity is just the earth being really clingy

[in court during a murder trial]

hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG

me: right here

When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.

If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.

A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.

lost dog

And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking

I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?

I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.

The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood

wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!

wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?

the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂

Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?

Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*

When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.

The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.

Bartender: I see bread people.

Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.

I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence

Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.

Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.

6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.

Thanks 2020!!!

A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.

For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.

Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.

It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed

I can’t wait!