When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
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Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
monday
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady
Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk
I think we should hear other voices.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
what could possibly go wrong?
