When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
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*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle