When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
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#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?
The Dark Knight Rises
Happy Tuesday
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
🤣dope
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
waiter: are there any allergies at the table?
me (already drunk): BEES
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him