If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
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My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Taco Bell, Exit 22
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??