[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
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Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
At least try to make it slightly believable
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Just this preview of the story is enough
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice