Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.

My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.

I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.

French windows?

No but I’ve snogged patio doors.

I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.

Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.

Thanks, Rihanna.

If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’

Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”

Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir

I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.

True story.

I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.

What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?

Santa hasn’t brought any presents since I moved out of my parents’ house. What a dick.

Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic

If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!

I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.

Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..

Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out

“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”

Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.

Boss: What the hell are you talking about?

Me: I’m an anti-faxer.

WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.

The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.

All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname

I’ve been off for 6 days. I’m afraid I’m too feral to go back to work.

I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.

ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.

DOC: Pull yourself together!

*both laughing*

DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.

The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly

Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”

ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?

WIFE: Two!

ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm

Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.

Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.