@mrjohndarby

[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond

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@RegularFred

Woman: [blushing] I was told there wasn’t a single werewolf left in the world.
Werewolf: there isn’t. I’m married.

@stephenjmolloy

*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”

Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”

@Book_Krazy

WAITER: Room for dessert?

[flashback to the room at home that hides all my desserts]

ME: [nervous laugh] Haha I don’t have one of those.

@alexlumaga

Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants

@TheBoydP

How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?

Wives – 3

Men – What?

@T_Bonezzz_

Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher

@DrDogMD

DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?

@Gre_Gone

Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.

@CrockettForReal

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket

@Cheeseboy22

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.