Woman: [blushing] I was told there wasn’t a single werewolf left in the world.
Werewolf: there isn’t. I’m married.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
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*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
WAITER: Room for dessert?
[flashback to the room at home that hides all my desserts]
ME: [nervous laugh] Haha I don’t have one of those.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.