[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
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Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church