Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood

i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader

It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day

My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.

Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.

I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.

I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.

*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.

[at the club]

*crawling around on the floor*

HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?

turning my gender off to conserve energy

gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die

Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.

Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!

A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.

Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.

[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP

I live by what I like to call “the £30 rule” where if I know something will bring me joy, I will not hesitate to spend up to £30 on it. this rule has both drastically improved my life and also put me in severe financial distress

Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro

If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.

4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit

things a whale might end an email with:

-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krill

things a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:

-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you

A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.

the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do

Together, I can beat schizophrenia.

I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it

My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.

*holds seashell to ear*

“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”

them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible