Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet

Wife: Have you tried rice?

Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda

My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.

I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.

My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.

ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes

Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector

This tweet is brought to you by Tesco

My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.

Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.

HIM: I wanna be more than friends.

ME: You wanna be BEST friends?

A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.

“You don’t feel well? Pfffft you just don’t want to come over”

Me: fine! I guess I can die just as easy at your house as I can my own

Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.

Never seen a man cry like that before.

The Book. The Movie.

[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out

been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening

I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.

Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.

I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today

When you accidentally speak your mind in the company meeting

Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely af

Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck

Son: *carrying damaged produce*

Me: Drop that sick beet!

I had sex once and once was enough

Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂

Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.

This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.

Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”

Wife: I think I’m going into labor!

Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?

every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991

Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?