When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
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9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Natural selection at its finest
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
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Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
every olympics i turn into this guy
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Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
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Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Hilarious if literal: arms race
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*