When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
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[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.