Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs

Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.

Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.

If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”

Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?

it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that

Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily

You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?

“You’re only as old as you feel.”

Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.

In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.

Another case where fake ones have a leg up.

The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.

Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.

Me: I’m sick. Do we have any ginger ale?
Wife: No, just ginger beer.
Me: Does it work the same?
Wife: I don’t know.

[9 Moscow Mules later]

Me [on front lawn, naked except for a cowboy hat]: IT WERKS BETTAH

Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!

Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.

*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*

Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.

“IT BURNS!”

-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.

judge: how can this be your defense?

me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?

Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?

If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.

Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something

[boiling pot]

Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?

PANCAKE

ok I need you to step out of the car

I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.

My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to me

I have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell

My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.

ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.