Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage

As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from

~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day

*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.

Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.

Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.

Raisins are grape jerky.

If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth

You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.

That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.

[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.

Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me

There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango

“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”

Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.

[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*

Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?

Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.

Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No

I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.

It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.

bias laundering edition

Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.

Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs

Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?

Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.

I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”

So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.

NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.

Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar

No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.

*At the checkout

Cashier: How many croissants?

M: Four

*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.

M: Um six

Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.

7: Ding Dong.

Me: What?

7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.

Me: Oh. My. God. 😂

Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever