7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
when I kiss a guy who has a mustache I’ll close my eyes and pretend he’s either Mario or Luigi, depending on his height
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*throws caution to the wind*
*wind blows it back in my face at 100 mph*
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
I’m sorry I poked your baby with your selfie stick but I didn’t really know what to do with either of them.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Friend: “Hey, that girl is cute. Can you put in a good word for me?”
*walks up to girl*
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.