@TheAlexNevil
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
@IamEnidColeslaw
when I kiss a guy who has a mustache I’ll close my eyes and pretend he’s either Mario or Luigi, depending on his height
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@TheAlexNevil
@KoKeniSasquatch
*throws caution to the wind*
*wind blows it back in my face at 100 mph*
@HatfieldAnne
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
@Chumpstring
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
@PeachyPixel8
@Dr_powpow
I’m sorry I poked your baby with your selfie stick but I didn’t really know what to do with either of them.
@Coolisiana
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
@TheGoodGodAbove
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
@jamdugg
Friend: “Hey, that girl is cute. Can you put in a good word for me?”
Me: “Sure”
*walks up to girl*
*whispers* “magnanimous”
@SarcasticCharm
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.