My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
You Might Also Like
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
new year update: losing everything but weight
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.