@IamEnidColeslaw

when I kiss a guy who has a mustache I’ll close my eyes and pretend he’s either Mario or Luigi, depending on his height

You Might Also Like

@TheAlexNevil

7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away

@HatfieldAnne

By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”

@Chumpstring

[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out

@Dr_powpow

I’m sorry I poked your baby with your selfie stick but I didn’t really know what to do with either of them.

@Coolisiana

“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules

@TheGoodGodAbove

The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint

@jamdugg

Friend: “Hey, that girl is cute. Can you put in a good word for me?”
Me: “Sure”
*walks up to girl*
*whispers* “magnanimous”

@SarcasticCharm

Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.