When I laugh on my period
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A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.