When I laugh on my period
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Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!