When I laugh on my period
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“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Tissue boxes be like “Hey there’s only five tissues left in here so why don’t you just take them in a giant clump.”
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Pretending I’m asleep so my boss has to carry me to the meeting.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
#CoronaOutbreak
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
181.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?