When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
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Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.