Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*record scratch*

Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…

Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks

[Party]

Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody

Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb

No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.

Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me

Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car

Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.

ME: we need to fight diabetes

INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more

[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]

“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”

“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.

TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes

My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.

If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies

I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house

My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.

Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?

Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?

The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble

Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.

hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit

Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.

Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.

Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-

Me: I’ll take it.

Them: Sir?

Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.

Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?

Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.

WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.

I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.

I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.

Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged

Wife: Call someone to fix it

Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward