Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?

Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.

ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.

Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.

What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?

A gas station.

Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.

Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.

Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.

My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.

Me:

If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.

Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg

and wait.

-hospitals

Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.

Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.

I get Bi with a little help from my friends.

“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.

I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.

Happy Friday

I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.

mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)

i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30

[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip

parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it

Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.

Sociophobia is the fear of friends.

Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.

How to unravel a sweater…

A thread 🧵

Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.

Always look both ways before crossing a woman.

y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses

We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.

After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.

[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*

[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did

[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here

The optimist sees the carrot.

The pessimist sees the stick.

I see the ranch dip.