When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
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Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?