Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.

Brushing my daughter’s hair

Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.

Me: Where do you want to eat?

Her: Wherever you pick is fine.

Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.

me: wow that exam was easy

*gets a 53*

[2am]

wife: where in the hell have you been

me: well the boys and i were at the club-

my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*

me: leonard my god no not right now

I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight

Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas

Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami

If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.

Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.

LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.

L-O-L!

if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?

Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”

Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.

When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.

You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.

I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado

Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.

Me: And for my third wish…

Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?

Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.

Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.

We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.

I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway

I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it

Me: Can I get a sick note?

Doctor: Here u go.

Me:

Note: *coughs*

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.

My age is news to me every single time I remember

Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now

I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.

[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫

My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night