Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.

I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.

Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…

If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.

[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke

[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]

My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.

wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*

It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.

You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.

Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.

Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.

Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.

My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.

Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.

[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2

We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!

Pedant: Actually…

[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]

When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents

The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you

On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.

“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”

ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?

HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it

Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.

football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this

Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on

Me:

Therapist:

Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?

The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”

If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.

One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt

7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kids

Kids are such fast learners these days