When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
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You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
The glockness monster
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something