Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.

Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..

but if you do, get the dental work first.

My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee

woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk

*finds $20 in the dryer*

*adds money launderer to my resumé*

imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.

[aliens talking]

“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”

the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.

KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time

Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.

I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.

Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.

Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?

Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song

Not today, Satan.

Wait, what kind of cookies are those?

I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick

It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk

[on a first date]

Her: I don’t like guns

Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*

Seat cushions are the original stool softeners

“Be nice to everyone…

You never know who might have a pool.”

-Mahatma Gandhi

Me: Waiter, check please!

Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.

Me: Thank you.

[ark]

SHEM:It’s full

NOAH:Full?

SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space

NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen

My cousin Clevis got thrown out of the Thanksgiving party. He kept insisting that some of us were really aliens in disguise.

“You can’t both be my half brother! Can’t they simplify fractions on your planet? Two half brothers is one regular brother! One of y’all is a liar!”

The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.

My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?

360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case

Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.