When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
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Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.