When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”
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Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
A book written by and for chickens is called a bok
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?