When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”
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Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.