When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”
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Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
my boss: here’s your raise
me: thanks
my landlord: he was talking to me
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
The first matador
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
I’m concerned about the environmental impact of driverless cabs. A greener option is a riderless bicycle. I’ve already got one of those in my shed.