When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”
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Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone
me: whoa magic
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Who knew!
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.
To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark