When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”
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Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph