When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”
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5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Good morning
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Sorry my spirit animal peed on you.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.