Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
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“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Merry Christmas
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.